Finding myself caught in a box of my own design, I ask to be freed. I do not want ‘this’ anymore, I know. Although, I am still unsure what freedom means or if I want it. ‘this’ is wrong, I know. But what is right, how should I live?
Is there a script to follow? a procedure that I can learn and repeat?
Would it get easier with time as I grind through with daily repetition?
Or would I return to where I started, only learning another way not to live?
‘Trial and error’, you say. you can only know what you have already known. everything else is imaginary. you imagine you will be better off without.
but what tangible evidence do you have when you take such a calculated risk?
Say i’m in a house, which is making me unhappy beyond what I desire to perceive. I have never lived somewhere so awful: there is mould running up the walls, slugs which appear on my brown-stained carpet every morning I wake, shivering from the cold. What does this place offer me?
It is shelter from the cold, a fixed address, security for my belongings. and if i cast this place aside, what will I get in return? can I guarantee that I will find somewhere that offers me all of the above? or that I will find a new home at all? Now, I would assume this to be the case.
But there is nothing to guarantee. by making the decision to move, I have made a risk vs return to calculation, much like we make hundreds of times every day. this is what our lives are based upon. it is our attitude to risk, and the weight that we place on each side: risk and return that shapes our decisions.